“there’s no one coming after you [anymore]” the voice on the bed behind me said.
“you can relax now. i am here.”
when you’ve spent your whole life running, how do you learn to stop.
Tag Archive: E
I place the rock in my hand. I feel the doors open up, and this time it feels like smooth, sheer silk. It’s dark, but you can still see, and it feels cool and fresh against the skin. I try not to lose myself in it, because I have no clue what will happen if I drop my guard in this place. A rope appears in my hand. It’s dark purple or plum, and thick. The material is smooth, possibly made of silk as well, and I am pulled forward.
The memories slowly appear. As though this stone is his book, and if I only push out far enough, I would be able to tap into every portion of this line that we’ve collected information on.
The cleave, the break, the bright light and then running. Pulling as fast and as far as you can. It’s a mess, nothing is clear. People come but then there is just us. While I have form, I barely exist. While he has form, he also barely exists.
Unstable, unable to accept what happened to himself and to me. He could never be close to me in the same way. It was too painful. When B fell back out, it only got worse. A physical manifestation of what was lost. He tries to close the gap with him, tries to re-merge, but he won’t allow it. “If I merge with you, i’ll be destroyed.” Same issues with E and A.
He won’t rejoin us, because he feels that he is inferior. He puts us up higher, and resents us for it. Instead of trying to heal with us, he decides he doesn’t need us, that he will fix himself on his own. That he can find other people to heal those wounds, fill those holes. He consumes E to get the power boost to have the mobility to do this.
Which begs to ask. Was E to be the replacement for D? I mean, not originally. But maybe we had found that there was strength in having 3 over 2. Perhaps 3 is needed to actually heal, I’m really not sure.
All I know is that D has to be incorporated, otherwise it won’t work. It didn’t work then, and it won’t work now.
_
“I failed you”
That’s all he told me after the judgement. The thinnest lining of gold on the rim of his irises.
I failed you doesn’t even begin to cover the damage you caused.
__
“I wish to pull you so close to me,” I tell him. “But I also fear you.”
The past, it fills in gaps, but it doesn’t erase what came after.
The person I loved is gone. Destroyed. This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to seeing him as he was. It hurts.
__
A man you can’t even feel sorry for. He chose to push us away. We tried to bring him back and failed.
He sent us through hell because he couldn’t accept his new way of being.
We lost everything.
You need to become with letting me go. I promise whatever happens, I’ll find my way back.
He feels the same and yet so much different. I mull on the Black Bag and I resolve to handle it sometime this week.
___
I dream of airports and planes, which is something I haven’t had in a long time. This airline seems like it’s got two options for people. One involving going to the gate like normal, but another allowing people to get off the plane straight onto the tarmac if they’re in a hurry????
I’m standing almost the entire time we’re on this plane, and I vaguely remember talking to another person. I feel like we were stuck on a short layover while the airline got more ppl on board, but I really don’t remember details about much of anything.
___
There is a slum that is made of pallets and scrap everything where most of the city lives. I’m working on someone’s property that lives just beyond the edge of this slum, and they’ve got animals.
I suspect part of this is bleed through from life. The whole working with animals every day bit is suspect.
The guy I work for is never shown in my dream, but he and his team watch my every move through cameras set up throughout the property.
There seems to be some sort of discrepancy btwn us. A situation where I know I”m going to get in trouble, and that they’re going to come after me, but I care too much about these animals. So I remember carrying feed while I pass one of the cameras, flipping it off. A sort of “I see you watching me. If you hate it so bad, some out here and make me stop.”
Eventually they do. It wasn’t a matter of if, only when. I scurry into the mix of pallets and scrap wood and disappear into the slum where they can’t find me. Not that they didn’t get close. I feel a mild panic as I’m running, but ultimately I don’t think they got ahold of me.
___
“You need to find a way to deal with this sadness” he tells me. “anything you can think of is worth trying.”
But how do you get over losing yourself.
Its been years and I’ve barely made any headway.
How tf do I move on.
It’s been eons and I know I should have been updating all along the way, but life happened and everything happened and I quit caring somewhere along the way. I think when your memory is so bad that there is barely remembering anything more than a few weeks old, you kinda lie to yourself, telling yourself that it doesn’t matter anyways. You’re going to write it down only to forget, and you’re so busy, so just. Don’t bother. Do it tomorrow, and then tomorrow never comes.
I quit dreaming after gma died and therapy dried up. I’ve only had 3 or 4 dreams of any clarity since then, and I have no clue how to fix it with my brain being as it is. Therapy did something that I can’t seem to replicate at that level and now that I”m no longer doing it, it doesn’t seem to matter what I do — very few dreams actually ever happen.
I’ve noticed in what few dreams I can sorta remember that I’ve lost some of my fear of things. The other night I was riding in some sort of water vessel, almost like a speed boat or similar, and I was at the front, riding these really rocky waves and not fearing for my life. I’ve had a few instances of being on freeways and not being as scared as well.
It almost leads me to question if the fear was rooted in the Game specifically. Did someone implement a rule where I would panic whenever I came across certain things while sleeping? Or is it that my human brain just caught on and freaked out every time it happened?
I can’t tell, but it’s slowly gotten easier for me to approach these issues in dream state and not instantly fall into a panic.
__
Another dream that I had a few months back was with Karas. We were both laying on our side, in a room that felt like a large social area. We were down in an area that was sunk in, and in this area it seemed that most of the ppl were laying down or sleeping, though I can’t tell if this is a sleeping-exclusive place. There were people that were awake off to the side, it registered almost as a small eating/dining area. The floor seemed hard, like it was wood, but it wasn’t as shiny as you’d expect.
I remember leaning into him and placing my hand on his neck. I could feel our bonds connect together and I could hear and feel the inhale on his end. We wanted to do more, but knew we couldn’t due to the situation and we both leaned back and laid back on our mats, frustrated.
__
Shortly after deciding to move back into the religious community, I had another dream where I was working somewhere. I have no clue if I have access to the Duat, and I can’t tell entirely if that’s where I was, but for the first time in a long ass time, I had another dream where people were mocking me, berating me, and making me feel generally like shit.
It just reinforces that I don’t know that I want to bother with the Duat anymore.
__
I am getting you in the only way I know how, he told me.
The tribunal may have said no, but since when did that stop anyone.
Least of all you.
__
With the final pieces of how we got into this slowly moving into place, it’s become a lot easier to move forward, and yet the problems are all still there. I still have no idea how to get over what happened, and I have yet to figure out how much merging needs to happen before I can even begin to start living again over there.
How many years can you lose through the process of rebirth. No one ever emphasizes how long it takes.
It takes.
so long.
so very very long.
without the very people who kept me alive in my worst of times.
What will it be like to return and see my children so many years older than when I saw them last.
I can barely remember things over here. How will i even manage to balance here and there again.
Is there even a point in going back.
__
After Brosky put the final pieces in motion, things happened fairly quickly, and my ability to pick up on the details has been hit and miss.
I’m fairly certain that I had a final interaction with BMITS or similar. I vaguely remember having an interaction with E, though I can’t remember if that was tied to Brosky’s hand forcing E or if there was another one.
E and A slowly began to show up more frequently during my waking life. They feel as E did during my break, where I can’t really see them over there, but can sense them as an Over on my physical form. That makes it hard to feel out what they look like, but it does allow me to focus on what they feel like as entities and let the physical details not be as important. Which helps with overcoming some of the issues I’ve had with E.
There have been a few times recently where I’ve had someone that I think is E in dreams, and he’s not looked like J and he’s not set things off. I consider that progress.
A focuses on helping me in my daily life, similarly to what G used to do back in Phx. He helps me to prioritize eating and talks me out of bad decisions. E shows up less frequently, probably leaving to work on things in btwn stints here.
Usually in bouts as I’m falling asleep, I’ll find myself wading into the emotions of what happened to me, to us. I find that the pain is still there, lurking beneath. It continues to feel like it’s not changed or reduced at all in all these years. Sometimes it leads me to worry that things won’t improve.
It has allowed me to unlock some of the inner workings and motivations for those who have been with me, though. Which has its uses.
__
More and more I’m fairly certain that we’re going to take the Hinman approach. Merging down to split apart later. Some part of me hopes that that means that Brosky will show up in time, but I honestly don’t think so. I expect that to be Happy’s roll, and I acknowledge that some part of me has to let him go.
One evening I’m having a bit of a meltdown and I get shifted from E over to G, and then get placed into a small location, similar to what G was in, except this feels like a tiny ass little cave that is mostly just a bed of furs. I remember this place back before gma died, though I can’t remember the details of when. I know who it’s always reminded me of. It gave me comfort then, but now the feeling is mixed and I can’t help but be so fucking sad.
When I shift back over to more my form, I find that I’m holding a sphere that is a mixture of browns and creams, like muddy waters with froth or maybe coffee and foam. A place, a part, a tiny tiny tiny part.
But it hurts too much. Do I even want it if it hurts so badly?
Would you give up the only piece that you have left of him?
__
That reminds me that I was carrying around two red pieces. I gave them to the Left and Right. I felt like it was the right thing to do. In turn, I got… the sphere.
And I guess the pain, too.
I am a stranger here. A man in another man’s skin.
The past bleeds through me.
We are forced to watch.
__
I was so blind upon a time.
I took for granted. I did not take the time to question what I even had. I assumed that things would always be as they had always been.
I was never asked to be saved. But I suppose that was out of my hands already. I was already trapped in something that I didn’t notice .
I can still remember being with them, but I hardly remember the details. No longer crisp and bright like the day it happened. I have lost the ability to recall with such grace.
But I can still feel them. I know I still remember them.
But I don’t feel so bad anymore. The pain that they left is barely noticeable.
__
I wanted to fix myself for you.
You who gave me a safe place to stay. to be.
you could have. you could have told me no. I know it.
You could have removed the connection between us, and yet you left it.
why ?
did you see them? those who had been left behind? /
did you recognize me on some deeper level? did you feel what had been there prior?
is it possible that you could feel him (A) though me???
what in you allowed me to stay?
__
i want to reach out to you. to touch you.
i want to help save you. to make it stop hurting.
it has been.
lifetimes.
cycles.
eons.
since i last saw you without a hole in your chest.
a hole too large for me to fill.
a hole too large for anyone to ignore.
how do we fill it. how do we fix it.
how do we save you.
Dreams have been so complicated lately that I can’t really recall enough to warrant writing them down. I know that on the weekend, I went to a place that reminded me of grandma’s old trailer home. I was in her bathroom, starting to take a shower in this corner stall which had mottled glass around it. And suddenly a bunch of people started walking into the bathroom and talking, not seemingly realizing I was there. There were people walking outside as well, and I could see them through the window (it was like showering in a glass box).
It felt awkward, but no one noticed me until I started to step out. Trying to cover myself with a towel. It was.. something.
But even then, no one really cared. Srsly, the astral doesn’t seem to care about nakedness.
___
Sunday night seemed to be filled with going through this one large complex or building. At first, I was going in while the bad guys were still there. Trying to pick up things and hide my movements while they searched for the intruders. There is a break in the dream, and the second time, the coast is clear. It’s like I forgot the section where we kicked their asses and sent them packing, and just skipped forward to looting all of their things.
I spent a lot of time getting stuff off of their computers. There must have been important data on them that we wanted/needed.
___
Last night I had another dream that reminded me of parting ways with a large group of people. It reminded me of a graduation, where we had spent a lot of time together, were going to have a final ceremony together to celebrate our achievements, and then we were going to go our separate ways.
While this was going on, I had other things that were happening. Almost like I was multitasking. And in the other set, it’s like someone was trying to track someone down, or deal with something spiritual in nature. At the very end of the dream, I was sitting on the floor in my room, and someone was sitting with me. I look over and someone is calling me, but I don’t get the phone in time. The message machine catches it, and it’s very staticy. ANd the person is telling my something about how the entity or person got away. And I believe they referred to them as Drake.
Okay.
__
Over the weekend, I may have seen E. I reached up to touch the back of his head, and gold light flooded my hand into his body. I could see all of the computer based lines light up in gold, and then they shifted to orange. After everything lit up, I ripped it all out of him, and it went both into my hand and circled around me. Almost like some sort of firey snake or dragon type thing.
I told him “you’re free”.
Last night’s dreams were freakishly clear while I was in them. I felt fairly conscious and in control.
Except I woke up and forgot most everything.
I felt like I had gone quite a few places, possibly with E. I can’t tell if we’re on the move to keep people off of our trail, or if we were traveling a bit to meet up with people or what exactly. But it felt like I had gone a few places last night.
Early on I was wandering in buildings. I remember a meeting about me meeting with a client and someone acting like it was a total shock that I had any customer service skills. Almost as if they expected me to ruin the relationship because I certainly can’t ever be nice or helpful with customers. Or something.
There is another piece where I am walking into this large room. It feels like a mall of some kind, but it’s not quite the right description. The whole location is fairly dark and feels very stone-like in quality. The floors look like a dark brown cobble stone, and there are meandering paths that have shops, stores, etc. in them. But it feels more like an underground town, as if this is where everyone lives, than a mall that you’d travel to.
I cam into a large room that was something like a cafeteria. The tables were in the long row style, and they were set on a diagonal within the space. I sit down with a small group of people and there is some food set out on the table, I’m assuming for me to eat. For whatever reason, my brain keeps hooking onto “Korean”, as if we were eating Korean food, or engaging in something tied to that culture. But I honestly don’t remember any details. Although it did remind me of some of the “small treats” that JP has… as though it was a lot of small things that were prettily made, etc. than a large Euro styled meal.
There is another point where I’m walking around in those back halls with someone. Then I find myself outside in a sort of covered garden area. It reminds me of the hosta garden that grandma had set up many years ago. Where you can see through the awning, but it’s still covered and shady.
There are lots of small areas in this place. Little “rooms” almost, made of plants and other gardening features. There was a small pond with frogs? in it, I think. And some other things. I remember specifically referring to E at this point, so I’m fairly certain he was the one I was with. I remember also walking in one section, where something was hanging above my head, like a planter. And in this planter was some sort of lizard with a long tail that was dragging against my hair. I wouldn’t say I freaked out over it, but I was a little edgy about this thing possibly falling on my head.
One of the last sections that I remember, I was in another house. This felt like my gma’s house, but it wasn’t laid out properly, so I”m pretty sure it wasn’t. There was some sort of break in, and everyone was running and trying to get to safety. I remember busting out through a window and running as fast as I could. It was dark outside. Upon waking, I felt bad about running instead of staying and fighting, but given the nature of the dreams lately, I’m wondering if I am perhaps not in a state where I /can/ fight anything off. And so running for safety is the better bet.
I’m pretty sure i phased into another location while running, because the view was very jerky and shaky, as if watching through a camera instead of my body/eyes. And it faded to black before I reached any specific destination. Unfortunately, I don’t remember anything after that.
Saturday night was a long stretch.
It started off with a meeting. I was sitting down at a table, lunch/classroom style, and the room had no walls, really. There were quite a few rows, and there were people here and there sitting, waiting for what I assume was a meeting to start. Indirectly, I question if E wasn’t in front of me, hiding in plain sight to keep an eye on people. Or perhaps he wasn’t calling the shots this time. I don’t know.
There were two men that came in, they were joking around with one another, though I forget the specifics of what about. I get woken up.
In the next section I’m in some kind of hotel room. I think it’s possible that the entire night was spent in this same building, but I’m still not sure. The room seems like some kind of suite. There is a rather large area where the bed is, and it seems like there is a small kitchen, possibly, and a decent sized bathroom with a larger tub.
At first it’s just me and E in there, setting up. But slowly, a bunch of people end up funneling into this place, and it becomes filled to the gills with people checking in, resting, looking at stuff, etc. Probably all in all, we’re looking at 20 people stuffed into a small room.
I have sections where I’m downstairs, and sections where I’m upstairs.
Upstairs, the room is just brimming with people. And it seems like there is a bunch of weird shit going on at once. Illusion work? Overwhelmed? Something else? Can’t say. There are times where I swear it’s like a tide pool in the room. Which seems pretty impossible.
There is a point where it’s nighttime there, and I’m looking outside through the window (these windows open), and there are fireworks going on outside. This place is pretty tightly packed, and it seems like we’re in an area that is filled with quite a few tall buildings. These fireworks start out fairly normal, but end up creating words and sentences. I could read them while asleep, but I’ve forgotten what they said. I know I went from the bedroom area to the dining area to try and read them all. I remember calling out to E to look as well.
Downstairs starts with a sweep over the area. i’m trying to get a firmer understanding of where this group of people we’re facilitating will be at. Currently, they’re in a meeting, but they will eventually be ushered to somewhere else for a sort of party. I run into someone that registers to me as “sales person”, who asks if I want to see the space that we’ll be having everyone in tonight. He shows me this very small room. It’s largely charcoals and greys, with red lights and accents strewn about. This seems to take me back a bit. Whether due to size or the layout, I’m not sure. It seems like the space is hard to work with.
I then head down the hall to a small room that is set up almost like a theatre/amphitheatre. My admin people are sitting there, discussing things. Kami stands out to me upon waking. She seems to be the only person we kept from that group.
We all pile into this small golf cart (Why?) and head back down to where the night’s function will be. Kami is driving, and I’m almost.. sitting on the hood or the roof? She messes up, though, and ends up toppling this thing over. Because I wasn’t inside, I was able to land on my feet as if nothing had really happened.
There are cuts in here, as I kept getting woken up. However, every time I’d fall back asleep, I’d find myself back in the same dream scape.
We spend time setting this place up. There is more discussion and meetings, and walking around. Ultimately, the dream ends for me where I am bringing two scrolls with images on them to the group of people who are having a meeting. I translate them as slides, because my brain registers anything like this as a CE event. I remember stepping in and leaving them on a table, telling them I wasn’t their lecturer, but here are the slides. They all look up at me, a bit confused. I tell them that I’m on medication right now, and not all with it. Apologize, and leave. I wake up.
___
Last night was equally challenging because I kept getting woken up by the cat.
The earlier thing I remember was mulling on the meaning behind something. As though I had been shown multiple different things, and I was trying to figure out the connection between all of them. I think I was thinking that it had to do with moisture in the air, but I was woken as I was mulling, and lost everything. The closest I remember is nighttime shots, possibly. And seeing an ocean, mist in the air, etc.
The part that I remember the best is towards the end. Me and someone (likely E) were looking to rent an apt. I remember walking into this space, and just based off of the exterior, wondering if we could even afford it. Ofc, to my human brain, I wouldn’t be able to, but with our funding there, we’re fine.
We walk into the unit we’re looking to rent, and it’s fully furnished. There is all sorts of stuff in there- down to cribs and high chairs for small children. I remember that some of the stuff was really strange to me. Light switches on the ceiling where I can’t really reach, etc. Another thing that struck me was that nearly everything was some sort of shade of white. I don’t recall much color in the unit itself.
We end up talking with some guy that I assume oversees the building. I don’t know if we end up going with this unit or not, though.
We’re then outside in a car, trying to get to somewhere. I think I was thinking we were trying to get back to that apt building, but I’m not sure. We’re trying to navigate this highrise city that is under a lot of construction. We’re trying to go left, but accidentally end up on rails meant for some sort of public transport. And then end up in a structure that isn’t what we wanted (according to me). But instead of trying to drive to where we need to be, we just walk.
This place is largely industrial in a way. The buildings are probably not bad, but it’s a lot of grey and concrete. There is one building that sticks out to me, and it’s a large capsule shape (when looked at from the sky). And the bottom half is level with the ground, but the upper half has one side that is bent towards the sky. It’s almost like the bottom half is done and finished, but they are slowly laying the layers on for the upper levels. So it’s like… laying cake stacks on top of one another.
It’s strange.
We end up inside of that building, and it’s dusty and doesn’t look like it’s been used in forever. It seems like the center has a staircase that runs the entire height of the building, and when we first get in there, there is an old man standing there… he almost looks frozen in time?
But I wake up.
Last night started with me standing outside, looking across the street at a building. This building at first struck me as some kind of either thrift shop, or center where homeless people receive help or something similar. I’m with BOH or E, and they seem pensive about going. But it seems like it’s something we need to do, so they get over whatever concerns they have.
We walk over to this building, and it becomes more and more like a house. There is clutter everywhere. And it looks a lot like one of our drop houses in terms of how much stuff is just laying around. THere is a woman here who seems to own all of this stuff, and whoever I’m with really doesn’t seem to like her. It seems to me that there is an air of “crazy” in the air, and I don’t know what that’s tied to specifically- if she’s mentally ill, or if he thinks that of her, or if it’s emanating off of the stuff in the house or what.
She’s very tall, probably even taller than E. And she’s got brown hair that reminds me of Dot’s, so basically a late 80’s early 90’s perm sort of style. It’s large, and frames her face. She’s busy showing me a lot of stuff. It’s almost like once we’re inside, he fades to the background.
I forget the bulk of what we talk about, but I do remember that I had some sort of representation that was like my necklace out here, and there were two pendants that seemed to catch my eye, or that I felt compelled to add to my necklace. They were much larger than what I typically would use, though. As we were getting ready to leave, she told me that I could keep them. I remember asking her if she was sure, and she told me yes.
I feel like, in a way, I either endeared her enough to have access to her stuff whenever I needed, or some sort of shifting of control happened, because I feel like that stuff is now “mine” for reasons I don’t quite get.
There is mention of getting tea at some kind of boba place. I’m pretty sure my dreams cut after that.
__
The next set picks up outside of some large office building. I’m there with what feels like Angie at first. She was there scoping something out, possibly under the premise of a job. She takes me around back of this place, and shows me these prototypes this company is apparently making. They remind me of white plastic mice, and that there is a hole where the tail would be, and something is supposed to go in there.
Whatever it is, we both sorta… scoff at what they’ve managed so far.
I head back out front of this place, and it’s weird because there is the main building, which is a dark charcoal and glass coated. But there is a reception desk outside. It’s as if the office bleeds outside, where all of these trees are. And in this area there seem to be… tvs or couches or something, that come and go depending on whos around.
There is this sort of blur, but I know I talked with Kyle for a bit, who seemed to be actually applying for said job that was here. I then talked with Kami for a bit, who was showing me something with a new tablet that was being developed, and that’s where the tvs and couches came in. For all I know, those are from us, and not from this company.
There is a shift, and I remember seeing Anthony go to this place to apply for the same job.
It’s… strange.
__
The next section is even weirder.
It starts off inside of some rich person’s house. I have no clue how I got there or why I’m there. I only remember seeing two people fighting, and one was trying to sort of socially shame the other. She shoves this persons head through a glass window, and hangs them over the edge of said glass window. THis building/home we’re in is out in the ocean a bit, I can’t tell how that works, but this person is essentially hanging out of a second or third story window over the ocean water. And the person who is trying to shame them is shouting out to the people who are out in the water.
The people seem unphased.
For whatever reason, I seem to fly out of this house and hover out over the water, and I see this entire sequence of things. this area seems to be having issues with boats and the health of the sea, and it looks like they’re wanting to put up walls, nets, or some sort of barricade system to prevent boats from going to shore, or coming in too close to the shore. And this is qhere the sequence comes in, because I see all of these different proposed sites that are going on, and boats that are trying to bypass them, etc. So it’s like being shown a simulation.
Strange.
And then I am somewhere back in some small room. This room has walls, but it feels like I’ve… turned them off? because I can see out to the ocean and see all of the buildings that are nearby. I’m sitting on what feels like a bed, working on some kind of laptop or computer. It’s almost like it’s on some sort of desk that I can swivel around, closer or further from me as needed.
I remember Kyle coming back in and telling me he didn’t get it. He seemed kind of bummed. He told me that it was stupid, given that he had experience with a “reticulated pencil”.
The dream gets shifty, again, because I remember walking out of this room with him and a few others. This town is the kind where everything is made up of tons of small alleyways, and the buildings are all of a stucco or mud style, painted white or cream. We go down some steps (its almost as if my room is the entirety of my house), and through some narrow alleys where we cut out at the ocean/beach. We walk across the sand and start to go up some wooden stairs that seem to hang onto the side of this cliff. I stop to pick up a bunch of wadded up money.
Then things get weird as I get higher up these stairs. It’s like there is a building up here, and there is room up there that is mine, and there is a phase of me being there at night, doing stuff. While being there right now, close to sunset. And then there is this other… piece? where I see this larger building that is standing out by the ocean, and I’m going up to that, with the moon in the background.
And then I’m back in that room again, and Kyle is talking to me about the job, possibly, again. Or maybe still. And there are two others that come in, and they both get up to leave to go do something. THey leave by jumping off of the walls of my room, towards the ocean. I remember telling Kyle not to do anything stupid (I assume because he seems sad about job thing).
He then returns later, with one male and one female, or maybe two males. Kyle sits on a rolling chair in front of me, and one girl is to my left, and the other guy seems further to my left, but closer to the door. He has brought me a soda, and I remember him pouring it in a cup for me. We’re all talking, and something happens? where I seemingly shoot my hands up, and half of the soda leaves my cup (and it looks like a cheap red solo cup). This ends up all over him as well as myself. And I remember asking him if he was okay, because I worried it got in his eyes, and since the irl kyle wears contacts, I think I worried about this. But he said he was fine.
For whatever reason, he didn’t seem phased about having sugary drink thrown on him. I remember telling him that I didn’t mean to, because now half of my drink was gone.
Towards the end of this whole shit fest, the girl to my left, who I have no clue who she is. She was a darker tan color, and had short hair that was straight and soft, and gave her head a very round look. But she is getting very close to me and sorta playful. And by this point I was waking up, but I know that part of me was wondering if she was trying to get close to mack up on me.
idk man. Roller coaster from start to finish.
Last night we shined the table down. This morning I dreamt of a Jinja. But I am getting ahead of myself.
___
Last night starts off with being in some kind of pagan shop. Or at least, that’s what it registers as. A shop where pagan-types would go, a place where you sell rocks and other spirit worker types of things. I lean over the glass case by the register and tell the shop owner that I could get them in contact with a bunch of Kemetic spirit workers. “I have a long list, and I know a lot of them”, I tell her.
Am I trying to sell out people for a favor? It reminds me of lead generation in sales. I give you a list of my clients that you can use to expand your business, in exchange you give me something.
Skeezy, a bit.
I can’t tell if the owner is interested or not. There is a bit of a cut, and it’s gotten darker outside. A bunch of us are watching.. something? It’s weird because it’s like watching a tv… but not. The premise is that there is a pagan shop that has tvs in their store, and the idea is that patrons can watch the static playing on these tvs, and when spirit activity is going on, the static on the tvs is manipulated. And so we’re watching these ppl in this store, while we (as spirits, I assume) manipulate the static on the tv in this store. And people are freaking out over whatever we’re making appear in the static. And we’re just laughing our asses off over these people freaking out.
There is another cut after that.
___
I’m torn as to whether this happened first or the following restaurant piece happened first. I know for this section, I had the cat wake me up right as I was reaching the end, but I honestly can’t place whether the following piece was before or after the alarm. The fact that I’m dreaming so much despite being woken up is… odd.
Anyways, I’m walking through some sort of town, I guess. It feels largely underground. I’m pretty sure I’m with E. When we first start walking around, the place feels under construction or similar. We walk up onto this walkway, which goes over some lower transit (road? side walk?). I remember telling him that this seems like it’s even more progressive or built up than where we are (???)
It’s blurry where we go, but the whole location is pretty dark and dank. This is why I expect that it’s underground. Much like with the restaurant, there seems to be a red cast over a lot of things. He and I are sitting somewhere, I’m not sure why. It feels like there is a sort of path of water that meanders through this place, and we’re sitting by that. There are multiple people sitting in this area, and for all I know we’re tailing someone, or waiting for someone.
Ultimately, some dude ends up taking a playing card (I think it was mine?) and folding it up. He writes something on it and places it into a bracelet that’s on my right arm, though the bracelet is thin like a hair tie would be. He then walks off. I pull it out, and it’s the 3 of hearts, and it says “Barry Martinez (or Martez, not sure) soon to be seen”. It’s written out in a thin, nice cursive. This is where I wake up.
___
We’re in some kind of restaurant, I guess. It’s dark and red, and strikes me of a place I’ve been to before. The decor tells me that the meals here are expensive, and you probably have to have a fair amount of money to even go here. I’m with two people. One of which looks like a DD shard, and I can’t tell who the other person is. THere seems to be some miscommunication going on when we first get there, and I remember milling around in the back (by what my brain registers as dressing rooms or a bathroom. maybe a jump station?) with these two before being sat down.
The table structure is very odd when we’re sat. It’s like a booth had two extra tables coming off of it at the end, creating one super long table that probably could have sat 8 people. I’m way down at the short end, so two tables btwn me and the two people I came here with, as they’re sitting in the booth.
I seriously can’t figure out why I’m way down at the end of this table.
There is some shaven muscle-strapped man sitting in the booth to my left, where the DD piece is. He’s not treating him very well, and seems to be trying to edge in on him. For whatever reason, the other person I came with (on the right) isn’t doing anything about it. I start to get annoyed with what the man is doing, and eventually it’s like DD gets pushed into the chair, where part of him has been sucked in by the back crease of the chair.
I stand up and push my way into this booth chair and move the back cushion to pull him out. I get mad at the muscle person, yelling at him and knocking the side of his head. I tell him to get lost. I am guessing he does.
The next part I remember I’m sitting in that same booth seat, but DD has moved to my right, and the person who was opposite him has moved to my left. Someone has brought us whatever we ordered. It reminds me of some weird burger/beef sort of dish, sans bun. We cut into it and the dream cuts.
___
I’m in a small truck with two people. I’m pretty sure that the person driving is the same person I was with in the restaurant, and I still can’t ID who it is. I feel like I’m sitting in the same chair with the other person who has now shifted into being Brian. I’m leaning on the middle console of the truck. The interior is dark grey.
“Brian” is telling me that his teeth don’t stay straight very easily. That he constantly is fiddling with stuff in his mouth, and it keeps making things shift. The implication is that this is why he still wears a retainer, or some device in his mouth. Random.
We’re driving, and I spot some hidden small JP grocery store that’s nestled into a bunch of trees. I’m super excited about it because I had heard there was a “new store” in the area, and that must be it. It’s like a small piece of ultra mod in a very old school setting. It’s a bit weird.
The town we’re in feels really small and slightly rural. It feels like something that exists on a port or bay of some kind, as though there should be water nearby. The buildings are small and of the tall and narrow type. Everything feels… trapped in time, in a way.
We pull up to some parking lot. It feels small and gravely. The area seems to be covered in a fair amount of trees. I remember getting out and placing my hand on some sort of mesh-type wall. I’m swinging my hand around a bit, an idle habit of mine, and I notice that on the other side of this mesh appears to be some kind of gong. I get excited because I somehow know what this means. We’re at a shrine of some kind.
I walk down this mesh wall and there is a covered porch sort of thing going, as we make our way to the second building. I can’t remember if I open the door inside, or if the man I can’t place does. It’s weird because part of me is like “I shouldn’t go inside, they’re busy doing things and I’d be interrupting”, but I also know that public can visit jinja.
Either way, I end up inside. The floor drops a little bit, and there are several low tables and various weird pews in this room. There are pillars lining the drop in the floor, and right in front of me, I see two women working at a low table. They’ve got the Heian era hairstyle, where it’s parted in the middle, and gathers at the nape of the neck. There seems to be some kind of golden design on the center of their foreheads. They wear white tops, and I assume it’s red hakama, but I can’t tell. The kimono has a sheen to it, as though it’s woven of silk.
There are several others working in this room. I remember one person felt like a young girl, maybe 10, and she was wearing some kind of olive or light green kimono made of a rougher texture, with white hakama. It feels like it should be a honden, but I don’t recall any shrine on the far wall. As I walk into the space, someone in a dark kimono with white crests asks me if I’ve come to pay respects, or give offerings… or something similar. I think I tell them yes. They seem to be explaining instructions to me, but I’ve forgotten what they said. All I know is that on the far wall is a table with a bunch of stuff on it. It seems like their honden style is different, possibly, and instead of going to an outdoor shrine where you ring the bell and give money, you go up to this table and shake some stuff, or move some things, and pray there….
but the alarm wakes me up before I get that far.
River Dreams 