Dark Horse

I have clocked more hours than anyone else.

I have read every tiny scrap that I could find.

I have studied you longer than anyone else.

__

I sold myself into this/to someone

I gave whatever I had to make it to the end.

I left myself where ever I needed/in ravines

I left myself for you to find.

I left myself.

 

You found me. every part of me.

You took me into your arms. kissed my cheek.

told me to follow the light and i’d be on my way.

[you cried after every one]

 

however far i needed to go. i would go.

however long i needed to endure. i would endure.

“you can’t trust me” i said.

“you shouldn’t trust me” i told you.

you couldn’t trust me anyways.

so why not make it explicitly clear.

how else does one appear out of nowhere

unless they fully disappear into the background.

 

i have clocked the most hours.

i have studied the longest. the hardest.

i gave everything i had.

to be here.

__

“diversion” he said

“its all diversion”

yes.

but you’re still looking in the wrong direction.

i have been here longer than you realize

sitting right beneath your skin.

slipping by entirely unnoticed

exactly as i wanted.

when i was removed it nearly killed you.

i refuse to leave again.

__

your memory has been your downfall

and your saviour.

“give it (back) to me” everyone shouts.

but who did you give it to?

you don’t remember do you?

even when its plain as day, you can’t see.

exactly how you wanted it.

Barry, soon to be seen

Last night we shined the table down. This morning I dreamt of a Jinja. But I am getting ahead of myself.

___

Last night starts off with being in some kind of pagan shop. Or at least, that’s what it registers as. A shop where pagan-types would go, a place where you sell rocks and other spirit worker types of things. I lean over the glass case by the register and tell the shop owner that I could get them in contact with a bunch of Kemetic spirit workers. “I have a long list, and I know a lot of them”, I tell her.

Am I trying to sell out people for a favor? It reminds me of lead generation in sales. I give you a list of my clients that you can use to expand your business, in exchange you give me something.

Skeezy, a bit.

I can’t tell if the owner is interested or not. There is a bit of a cut, and it’s gotten darker outside. A bunch of us are watching.. something? It’s weird because it’s like watching a tv… but not. The premise is that there is a pagan shop that has tvs in their store, and the idea is that patrons can watch the static playing on these tvs, and when spirit activity is going on, the static on the tvs is manipulated. And so we’re watching these ppl in this store, while we (as spirits, I assume) manipulate the static on the tv in this store. And people are freaking out over whatever we’re making appear in the static. And we’re just laughing our asses off over these people freaking out.

There is another cut after that.

___

I’m torn as to whether this happened first or the following restaurant piece happened first. I know for this section, I had the cat wake me up right as I was reaching the end, but I honestly can’t place whether the following piece was before or after the alarm. The fact that I’m dreaming so much despite being woken up is… odd.

Anyways, I’m walking through some sort of town, I guess. It feels largely underground. I’m pretty sure I’m with E. When we first start walking around, the place feels under construction or similar. We walk up onto this walkway, which goes over some lower transit (road? side walk?). I remember telling him that this seems like it’s even more progressive or built up than where we are (???)

It’s blurry where we go, but the whole location is pretty dark and dank. This is why I expect that it’s underground. Much like with the restaurant, there seems to be a red cast over a lot of things. He and I are sitting somewhere, I’m not sure why. It feels like there is a sort of path of water that meanders through this place, and we’re sitting by that. There are multiple people sitting in this area, and for all I know we’re tailing someone, or waiting for someone.

Ultimately, some dude ends up taking a playing card (I think it was mine?) and folding it up. He writes something on it and places it into a bracelet that’s on my right arm, though the bracelet is thin like a hair tie would be. He then walks off. I pull it out, and it’s the 3 of hearts, and it says “Barry Martinez (or Martez, not sure) soon to be seen”. It’s written out in a thin, nice cursive. This is where I wake up.

___

We’re in some kind of restaurant, I guess. It’s dark and red, and strikes me of a place I’ve been to before. The decor tells me that the meals here are expensive, and you probably have to have a fair amount of money to even go here. I’m with two people. One of which looks like a DD shard, and I can’t tell who the other person is. THere seems to be some miscommunication going on when we first get there, and I remember milling around in the back (by what my brain registers as dressing rooms or a bathroom. maybe a jump station?) with these two before being sat down.

The table structure is very odd when we’re sat. It’s like a booth had two extra tables coming off of it at the end, creating one super long table that probably could have sat 8 people. I’m way down at the short end, so two tables btwn me and the two people I came here with, as they’re sitting in the booth.

I seriously can’t figure out why I’m way down at the end of this table.

There is some shaven muscle-strapped man sitting in the booth to my left, where the DD piece is. He’s not treating him very well, and seems to be trying to edge in on him. For whatever reason, the other person I came with (on the right) isn’t doing anything about it. I start to get annoyed with what the man is doing, and eventually it’s like DD gets pushed into the chair, where part of him has been sucked in by the back crease of the chair.

I stand up and push my way into this booth chair and move the back cushion to pull him out. I get mad at the muscle person, yelling at him and knocking the side of his head. I tell him to get lost. I am guessing he does.

The next part I remember I’m sitting in that same booth seat, but DD has moved to my right, and the person who was opposite him has moved to my left. Someone has brought us whatever we ordered. It reminds me of some weird burger/beef sort of dish, sans bun. We cut into it and the dream cuts.

___

I’m in a small truck with two people. I’m pretty sure that the person driving is the same person I was with in the restaurant, and I still can’t ID who it is. I feel like I’m sitting in the same chair with the other person who has now shifted into being Brian. I’m leaning on the middle console of the truck. The interior is dark grey.

“Brian” is telling me that his teeth don’t stay straight very easily. That he constantly is fiddling with stuff in his mouth, and it keeps making things shift. The implication is that this is why he still wears a retainer, or some device in his mouth. Random.

We’re driving, and I spot some hidden small JP grocery store that’s nestled into a bunch of trees. I’m super excited about it because I had heard there was a “new store” in the area, and that must be it. It’s like a small piece of ultra mod in a very old school setting. It’s a bit weird.

The town we’re in feels really small and slightly rural. It feels like something that exists on a port or bay of some kind, as though there should be water nearby. The buildings are small and of the tall and narrow type. Everything feels… trapped in time, in a way.

We pull up to some parking lot. It feels small and gravely. The area seems to be covered in a fair amount of trees. I remember getting out and placing my hand on some sort of mesh-type wall. I’m swinging my hand around a bit, an idle habit of mine, and I notice that on the other side of this mesh appears to be some kind of gong. I get excited because I somehow know what this means. We’re at a shrine of some kind.

I walk down this mesh wall and there is a covered porch sort of thing going, as we make our way to the second building. I can’t remember if I open the door inside, or if the man I can’t place does. It’s weird because part of me is like “I shouldn’t go inside, they’re busy doing things and I’d be interrupting”, but I also know that public can visit jinja.

Either way, I end up inside. The floor drops a little bit, and there are several low tables and various weird pews in this room. There are pillars lining the drop in the floor, and right in front of me, I see two women working at a low table. They’ve got the Heian era hairstyle, where it’s parted in the middle, and gathers at the nape of the neck. There seems to be some kind of golden design on the center of their foreheads. They wear white tops, and I assume it’s red hakama, but I can’t tell. The kimono has a sheen to it, as though it’s woven of silk.

There are several others working in this room. I remember one person felt like a young girl, maybe 10, and she was wearing some kind of olive or light green kimono made of a rougher texture, with white hakama. It feels like it should be a honden, but I don’t recall any shrine on the far wall. As I walk into the space, someone in a dark kimono with white crests asks me if I’ve come to pay respects, or give offerings… or something similar. I think I tell them yes. They seem to be explaining instructions to me, but I’ve forgotten what they said. All I know is that on the far wall is a table with a bunch of stuff on it. It seems like their honden style is different, possibly, and instead of going to an outdoor shrine where you ring the bell and give money, you go up to this table and shake some stuff, or move some things, and pray there….

but the alarm wakes me up before I get that far.

Phase 2

“I don’t get what this has to do with you.”
“Everything.”

I’m pretty sure the reason he pulled away from me is because he couldn’t cope with the idea of loss. Perhaps as he stood there and watched over us in the infirmary during the Storm, he realized what he was getting into. It’s one thing to know in a sort of removed sense, it’s another to have it splattered all over your face day in and day out.

How long did you stand there and watch us laying in bed? Or are you more like E, where you purposefully avoid being around all together?

It was storming outside, and I was talking with Set about things when I suddenly got an influx of crack. I saw them talking back in the apt, where W tells A that he wants A to take the lead. I still don’t get why. A didn’t want to be permanent, and yet he chose to stay. E warned him not to waffle, otherwise he’d find himself on the wrong side of the table. But at the same time, he has been resistant to completely taking the plunge. Is it all because of the fear?

And why is it that W refuses to stick around? Does he feel inept? Unstable? Did he know that illness would take him out of the picture? Is there something else at play?

I see them talking, and A tells him again that he’s not down with this. W tells him again that his mind is made up. They are at an impasse. The same way that E and W were before. I don’t necessarily understand W’s methods, but I wonder if that’s because he knows things that I don’t?

But then I am laying in bed, dieing after coming out of W. I forget why I was sent in there, as I’m fairly sure these visions revealed something in particular about that. Was I trying to clear out the illness? Was I trying to fetch something? I can’t remember. Maybe I was trying to bind pieces together or something else. I honestly don’t know.

What I do recall, though, is G talking to W. “have you told her yet?” “no.” “are you going to?”

Ah. The thing I didn’t know is likely that W had a very limited shelf-life. As far as I can tell, he had known way back in the house that he was not going to stick around. He was working on getting his shit together, and once a certain thing had happened, he would be out of the picture for an unknown period of time. Perhaps this is why A and I had a cooling trend, too. He also knew what was coming, and was unable to cope with it. Now that I had paid a price for him with my body, he couldn’t even bear to be around me. Neither of them could, and it irked G off to no end.

If there is someone who will always give me a straight answer.

The visions start to fade off, and I can feel Set nearby. “Welcome to phase 2”.

__

In a way, what is going on with A is not much different than what happened with me and Hinman. Instead, of merging him and D down into me, I perhaps am working to merge down a light source and W into A. Along with whatever port piece BM may be. Is that what phase two is? Helping these three merge down? If so, the starting point has been herky.

The initial thing that I Saw was me and someone else in a box. It was the next morning when it came to my mind, and it felt like we were in a wagon or on some kind of moving vehicle of some kind. After a point, it was like we were dumped off somewhere, and while I wanted to look int, I was too busy with work to do so. Later, it was like we were being pulled across the ground, but by that point I was too medicated to reall do anything with it. Any time I pushed into the space, I got illusions and brain vomit, so I stopped.

There are times when I feel like A was with me in the dark space, holding onto me. Other times I felt like it was E. There was another event sometime last week where I found myself in the dark with Hinman. D stood across from me and talked about.. something. I remember Hinman turning into E at one point, and D telling him that he was tired of waiting.

Visions entered into my mind, I could see Teru beating the piss out of me. There is one section that keeps repeating in my head, even  now. And it involves my face being smashed into the ground or stairs, and having a chipped tooth from it. While I’m on the ground half-dead, I see this form hovering over me. It reminds me of some of the baddies from KH- they are angular and almost jester-like in appearance. In the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if it’s a mix of E and W. Was she trying to get them to harm me to damage the lines? Possibly.

There are moments from E where it feels like this could be accurate. He takes this personally, ofc. That he would dare to kill someone that he is supposed to be bound with. But when you’re not in control, there is very little you can do. Pending on what era this may have been in, Teru would have held everything in her hands, and everyone was at her mercy. It’s not like I would have blamed him, but that doesn’t stop him from blaming himself.

Real? Not real? Not sure.

__

I noticed that when I got into the new FOB album, E claimed songs like he normally does. But there were songs I’d completely avoid. Songs I didn’t like or didn’t want to listen to, I can’t tell now. But shortly after I began receiving random visions from W, I felt like he had claimed those songs. Except those songs don’t point entirely directly to him, they also go to A. Because now those two are technically one and the same.

The whole album has become filled with baggage btwn the lot of them, and I can’t really puzzle wtf anyone is trying to say anymore. On top of this, I began to receive Japanese songs from him, also indicating his overlap with A.

It’s all so confusing.

Shortly after the incident with Set, Kara sent the children over with A to see me. A wouldn’t ever show up, instead he’d get whisked into that box with me. Eventually, I would wake up in an office with G where the girls were kept safely. When I held the newborn, I had a violent reaction that caused everything to hurt. I could see myself, all taint ridden in the middle of the darkness, screaming. It was more beast than anything else, and my horns were rather long and pointed. My horns also fell out in the room, and my eyes began to look like cat’s eyes when they’re full- so mirrored. I could feel the marking pulling out on my cheeks, and on the outside of my eyes I could feel this burning and cracking like something is trying to get out.

I’m pretty sure that’s been a consistent thing- lines forming into my face, something trying to escape. But what is this tied to exactly?

Later that night I would see myself laying on the ground in the darkness while someone stood over me. My right arm is out to my side and bolted to the ground. I can see my tattoos spanning up the entirety of my arm, and a red bow tied around the wrist.

What are they intending on doing?

A few days later, it’s like they went to chop it off, but failed. I pass out before I can ascertain anything, though.

___

Everything from there is a blur. I try to probe into where A is, to see if I can find out anything about “phase 2”. If I base it off of O’s typical month, we’re looking at two weeks past WR for being the final end date, but when I went into the Duat all those years ago, it didn’t take a full month to get shit done. If anything, handling the first piece triggered the ability to deal with the Hive, which then began the final descent for the Storm.

Is this initiating the final round? I can’t tell anymore.

Two weeks past WR ends up with Wag fest, which is kinda like an akhu festival, but also could be tied back to O if I wanted it to. In many ways this could be legit, but in other ways, I can’t help but feel like I am reaching. Any attempt to make it through to A usually ends up with a dead end. Is he blocking me out? Perhaps these methods are meant to be different? Why the hell won’t anyone tell me anything?

I begin to push this afternoon, and I find myself hovering out over an ocean, the sun off in the distance. The colors are like soft morning colors meets a hazy daytime. The sun hangs out just above the water. I flash out into the water where something rises above me. I can’t see what it is, only that it is large and a dark grey color. I’m standing there in more “heathen” clothing, and something grabs my feet and drags me under. I don’t fight it, I go with the flow as I can breath down here.

There are cuts. Sometimes I see A, sometimes I see the past. There are times when I see him and I walking in the desert, where I thought that maybe our box had been dropped of. I had questioned if maybe we were out where old lady was, but I couldn’t find out either way. I have no access to the Duat, so I imagine that they sent me elsewhere to deal with this.

He’s got that hat of his on, and his hair is completely tied up in the top knot instead of just half. I’m in my heathen clothing and picking at the ground while sitting. I’m trying to figure out why I’m there, what’s going on. What he has to do with all of this.

A is a box. A receptacle. Isn’t that what we said? He keeps my things safe. In a way, he is still being a box by taking in these pieces and incorporating them. I think.

There are flashes back to that desert. The man who stood there and told me I didn’t belong “there” that I belonged where they were. He disliked what the old woman told me, he didn’t like that I left. He was even angrier that I went back a second time.

I try to place these things. Everything is symbolic. What if this is no different?

The old woman had access to Az’s location. What if Chi had ended up there herself? Maybe before even making it to atashen, she ended up out there in the woods where you could live kinda in peace looking like a freak. In a way, that vision would make sense- showing up there sorta young (again) and running through all of the raising process. Coming of age in a way. And then perhaps being sent to the city for some reason or another. It’s possible that she ran back and forth, maybe she wanted to go to the city to learn.

if that dream is of that location, then it’s possible that she was there to learn, and lost her partner. It could be that she lost her partner, and then got taken out herself. And when she was taken out, she reverted back to being smaller and lost her memory. The original vision sequence had me coming into the city after being dicked over. Getting swept up by the rich family, who knew something about me. Losing my protection, being kicked out and left for dead. Taken in, taught, sent back, going back home because I realized it was fruitless, going back to the city anyways, and eventually getting the piece back.

Kinda, indirectly, I could argue parallels. End up in that location, live with the heathens. Go into the city for further training or watching. Who knows, maybe I even got closer to that family, learned some shit, rubbed some elbows. Get dicked over, lose my memory and right back up in that city. End up going back home-sorta. And then in teh end becoming dicked over again, but I leave with at least a piece.

But if that’s the case, was A the boy that told me I didn’t belong there? Is it possible that a part of W came with me? And was living out there in the forests with us? Is it possible that he knew bad things would happen? Could he have been my initial partner that died? Is this where those horns come into play? And how exactly will this fit into the larger picture of Circle, given that I was dead and not a part of the process?

“You don’t belong there. You belong here.”

How do you fit into this?

We continue to walk through the desert as the sun beats down on us from above. The ground is cracked and dry. Nothing is around for miles. Meanwhile, I continue to hang out in the darkness of the ocean.

Why do you continue to haunt me? Why are the pieces so jumbled and why did no one bother to give me context sooner?

wtf. is going on.

A fire in the south

Nobody is holding anything against you.

The words rang through my head. I knew he was trying to tell me not to worry so much, but I couldn’t help but feel like an ass anyways. There are so many times when you look back on behaviours, and having all of the context, realize that you made things worse than they needed to be.

This was such a situation.

___

He stood about 30 feet away from the woman sitting at the table. She had a thick book in front of her, and across from her sat a man who needed assistance. She pointed to the manuscript in his hand and explained to him what he needed. And once she was done, she went back to her reading.

He did this a lot. She spent a lot of her free time here in what appears to be a library. She poured through all of the books she could get her hands on. And he watched from a distance.

“Why don’t you go say hi?” the Person in Charge asked him.
“I couldn’t. It would be pointless anyways. She won’t remember me.”
“Does that really matter?”

For the first time in years, I get a glimpse of what was going on outside of these two. I feel, briefly, what the person in charge was like. In many ways, he reminds me of W. Calm and kind, but serious and fearsome when needed. He is chummy with the people under him, and he tries to be something of a wall that protects them from the fire that rages in the south.

I have no clue what eventually has him talk to her. I’m sure the Person in Charge did something that forced them together. I remember D telling me that it was obvious there was a connection, even then, to anyone who had the eyes to see it. He felt that people wanted to push us together in order to make something happen. But I am not sure who or why or even what.

And in the end, it doesn’t really matter.

___

“I know you’re hiding something” he tells the Person in Charge. “I can tell it. Let me inspect your grounds.”

The person in charge knows that he can’t stop him from doing just that. Anything less than that will result in needless bloodshed, so he gives the okay. It is at this time that he walks in on her. And for the briefest of moments, he catches what sticks out of her head.

And in that moment, he knows what he needs to take from this place in order to succeed.

___

When you can’t get what you want by asking, you will take what you want by force. That is how he has always been. The embodiment of a child in a grown man’s body, he will take whatever he wants for himself in due time. Nothing stands between him and what he feels he deserves.

And in time he will kill the Person in Charge. That will leave the person underneath him. As the man lay dead on the ground, his blood not even cool yet, he will turn to the Second and ask him for the person that he wants. “Give her to me. As a sign of your loyalty.”

He will have no choice.

___

The parts that always follow have always confused me a little bit. On one hand, she knew why he took the path that he did. Because the alternative was to die on the floor right there, and she would have been taken anyways. But despite knowing that, she spends a long time afterwards being very bitter and angry at him.

I still can’t tell if this is at the work of F, or if there is something else at play here. It wouldn’t surprise me if maybe he rotted part of her brain away, so that she’d forget why she was there, and all she would feel when she saw him was anger.

When she’s first brought to her new location, he will search up and down for the artillery stored in her hair. But he will find there is nothing there. She will have broken them off long before she got there, and so there will be nothing for him to see.

As they start to grow back in, the hairstyle will change to cover them. It’s the only way to ensure her safety.

___

“I have someone that I want you see” he tells her. He grabs her arm and forcibly walks her into a room. Across the way he stands there. The room is tense, and you can tell this is nothing but a power play.

She offers only the coolest of civil greetings while he stands there uncomfortably. He will add to the mixture by forcing his tongue down her throat and causing pain in her arm if she tries to break away.

Later, when he finally has a moment to approach her alone, she will tell him that he should just go home. There is nothing for him here.

In a way, I feel like she was telling him to save himself.

___

Eventually they get closer again. I’m still unsure how that happens exactly, but I would bet it has something to do with the hell she was living through. When things are so horrible, you’ll hold onto the tiniest scrap of decency that you can find, and I’m pretty sure he was that to her.

When he finally gets to see her up close, he’ll note how the horns have shifted. They’re no longer where they’re supposed to be, and he posits that it likely caused pain to have them forced into such a position. In retrospect and learning about how these things grow in, I’d bet that she was being forced onto with so much frequency, or placed into so many positions where her head was always against something, that they naturally ramped upwards because they had nowhere else to go. It’s kinda like when dog’s nails get too long- they end up curling back up over the toe in order to not break off. I’m pretty sure this was the same.

There are times when she’d sleep and he’d be awake, and when that happened, it’s like all of the glamour would fall away and he could see parts of what was going on where he couldn’t see. There are times when he’d be brought into the cells and would be forced to watch what went on down there. Everything is a power play to him, and he played his hand whenever he could.

___

There are brief moments of time when I see him interacting with Keets. Looking at things now, I began to wonder if Teru ended up being the main person that oversaw the East. She was known for being brutal, and there are factors that imply that Keets did some time there.

He looks so much “more” during this era. So much more put together than when I knew him. But at the same time, he looks like someone who was hardened beyond repair. Perhaps that’s why he ultimately broke and left.

I’m almost positive that he played a role in my being turned over to the Person in Charge. Perhaps he was trying to fix things in his own way. I can only imagine his frustration when his movements added up to jack squat.

___

The end is always the worst. I can hear it in his mind, that whatever happened there severed my connection to the past. The horns are so much more than they appear, and they seem to have a lot more weight to the culture that they originate from. They contain things, trigger things, and allow certain things to happen.

They’re more than just features that poke out of your hair.

ANd whatever was done to her successfully cut her off from all of that. He’s not surprised I remember nothing, because everything was effectively taken from me as I lay dieing on the ground.

He spent months afterwards trying to scrape up any pieces he could find. He’d even seek out Keets’ assistance, which I’m sure he actually gave for once. People can work together for the right reasons, I suppose.

Knowing all of this, though, makes me feel bad for the way things were handled here and now. Watching Teru’s behaviours with Keets’ still confuses me, since she seemed to simultaneously hate and love him. Is it possible that she still felt things from me? Could my emotions have bled into her? Or was there actually something btwn them at some point in time? I really can’t tell.

I remember watching the ribbon burn off of my arm. The scarring that stayed there for months afterwards, and the cat and mouse we’d play after that. He swears he holds nothing against me, but I can’t help but wish I could go back and do things a little differently.

Above all, it highlights the truth that you shouldn’t let people dictate your actions. Listening to the wrong person can be disastrous, and my experience was no exception. I can only be glad that things ultimately worked out, more or less. Despite the meddling on all sides.

I have worked just as hard as you to be here.

Long Needles and Sunken Cities

“Did she manage to figure out what your song is?” he asks.
The other doesn’t respond, but the silence speaks volumes.
“Well it’s all over for you, then. There’s no escaping it now. Once your song has been found, you’re caught.”

He bemoans that it hurts so much to hear the notes. It’s overwhelming. The feelings and emotions that course through you.

“But that’s the point. That’s how it works where we’re from. Our love is not easy. It is harsh and consuming.”

“Remember. You asked for this.”

___

I am sitting outside, talking with E in the darkness. Are we at the same location as last time? I can’t tell, but it feels similar, like a balcony in a city. We muse about the meaning of songs, the songs that we collect and why we collect them.

This is all new to me, but it all makes sense. I don’t know why he never told me sooner. Maybe he didn’t think he needed to.

There is a shift, though. His face looks older. His eyes are different. I feel someone else pushing through.

I lunge forward and shout at whoever is standing in front of me. I’m on my feet, but my arms are restrained behind me. These large… cuffs cover the entirety of my forearm, and they are attached to thick chain that bolts into the wall.

This man. He looks familiar, but I can’t place where. He’s taller than me, not that that is hard. And he looks like someone from the 1800’s of Europe. He’s got ruddy hair that forms into chops that bleed into facial hair. He’s also got a pretty long mustache. He takes good care of his appearance.

I feel the other part of me pass out as I slip into this location. I feel E panic as I fade. The man who is here now walks over to a table and does something. I try to force against these restraints, but nothing happens.

He tells me that he knows of my kind, and so he knows how to ensure I can’t get away. I ask him what he wants with me, but he refuses to tell me. He says that telling me will show his hand, and allow me to hide it. So he won’t say.

He comes back towards me with this long… needle? in his hand. It looks like it’s a good foot and a half long. I begin to panic, because I know what humans do with needles like this, and I expect no different here. But I can’t break free. I can’t do anything.

He pushes me back against the wall and finds some sort of spot on my lower abdomen, and shoves it upwards, so technically, per human anatomy it would end up probably piercing my heart and maybe a lunch. My brain starts to frazzle. I can’t tell what is on the needle, or what the metal is doing with my system, but it’s more of a mental reaction than a physical reaction. I don’t feel anything per se, but my brain starts to filter through a million things, all while I try and force it to not look at anything. I don’t want him finding whatever it is he’s looking for.

His hand is up around my neck and face. He tells me to focus. Stay awake. Focus. The only thing I can mutter in response is that I can’t. I’m losing consciousness. I can’t control that.

I feel myself start to fade into black when I feel a shift in my body. I can hear, and I can see through the people who have popped out of me, but I can’t see much. I know that my inner bits have pushed out. They are not the same species as me. This man’s restraints may not effect them in the same way that they do me. I know that D handles the man, while Hinman tries to get me free of the wall. He can’t remove the cuffs, though.

I begin to convulse. This is almost the same thing that happened after I began working on DD. That poison or whatever it is, that makes my body overheat and try to shut down. I hear D tell me to think of water. To keep calm, but it’s hard. My body reacts on its own.

A few minutes go by, and I feel him trying to remove whatever was shoved into me. It’s not just the metal that is a danger, but whatever was on the needle- as I’m fairly certain there was more than just metal.

There is panicked discussion, and before I realize what is going on, I’ve been slung over D’s shoulder, and we’re running somewhere. After a few minutes of this, we end up… somewhere else, and there is some other being there. D seems to know who it is.

I’m laid on the ground, and Hinman places my head on his lap. I can tell he is worried. He’s a right to be.

After D and the person have finished talking, he sits down next to me and braces against me. I am told to try and not move. To try and focus on something else somewhere else, because he needs me still. It is a slow process to cut these cuffs off of me, and I’d bet it takes close to 30 minutes to get it done. When they finally start to break off, it’s like I get this image of the cuff trying to penetrate my markings, my skin. Almost like little worms trying to crawl into my skin.

I still don’t get why there seems to be focus on my forearms. But it’s a trend I’m starting to notice more and more.

After they are cut off, my arms are wrapped up and I am carted off to be handled. But I pass out before we get any further.

___

“I hope the entire city isn’t like this” is the first thing I remember from last night.

I am standing with a group of people on some outcropping of rocks. We are looking out over a valley where a city should be, but all you can see is the tippy tops of a few buildings sticking out from a mass of water. The city is underneath of this water, and who knows where all of the residents are.

We then walk further down the coast line to find out just how much damage has been done. My brain wants to register this place as NC. I remember looking out over an outcropping of land that reminds me of the Outer Banks. This place looks like it’s still intact, and there are a number of people running around this area, possibly because they’ve been pushed out of their own town/city.

The whole area is still functioning, but just barely. Its as if a natural disaster occurred, and everyone is trying to continue on as best as they can. Some areas were certainly hit harder than others.

I spend a lot of time walking around, assessing damage. Ultimately, I end up back to where the worst damage happened, I’m in some sort of hotel room with full glass windows. I look out where the water was, and it has been replaced by grass.

In the grass are hundreds of people. They are hiding and blending in. I call to some of the other people in my presence and point it out. Above the grass is a bunch of other people with weaponry pulled out. A man in a helicopter has a gun with a huge scope on it. I can see that people in the grass are targeting the people on the hills and rocks and in the sky, while the people on the rocks and in the sky are targeting us.

There is a man here that registers as Obama (yes, srsly). This person is who they are primarily after.

Just as I realize this, I push him back and gunfire lights up the air. The glass breaks into a million pieces as we run to safety.

I don’t know what happens after this. The next thing I recall we’re driving or walking somewhere else. I can only assume we got them to safety and then we were on to the next thing. I hope.

The next location seems familiar to me, and I’m not sure if its the place where I ran around all night a few months back. It’s a place where the roads are more made for walking than for cars, and all of the houses are sorta built haphazardly into the landscape. Nothing really makes sense, and it’s really easy to get lost.

We end up crashing in some sort of garage, or what I’d consider a garage. Someone that registers as my mother is there. I end up spending a lot of time looking at the oceans around here. Noticing the beaches and the formations at the beaches. Someone that registers as Jeff tels me that he doesn’t like beaches with rocks, something to do with he only likes it if the rocks go… all the way to the end, or something. idk.

There are a variety of styles of beach here, and idk if I’m looking out to ensure that no more tidal waves are coming, or if there is something else I’m doing. After I’m done with this, I end up going back to the garage. I get woken up by someone on this sort of mechanical tractor thing that reminds me of a t-rex. I get pissed off at them for waking me up, because it took forever to fall asleep, and now they’ve woken me up, and it will be difficult to fall back asleep.

I remember my mother taking me aside. She pours a bunch of small keys in my hand and tells me to go. She hands me some larger, longer key. It reminds me of the nefer sign, or perhaps an arrow. Everything else was silver, but this one is black. She tells me to go, because she can tell that I am miserable here. I tell her that I am miserable everywhere, because of depression.

I turn and go.

I start walking through these roads. I see people tending their yards and gardens. They stop and look at me- I probably stick out to them.  I turn down a side road and end up in some secluded enclave. I can’t really describe it. It’s like the plant life made a canopy so thick that it’s a ceiling. There is something here, though. Fish? Something else? I’m not sure.

I pull out thoese keys, except now they look like silver rings and one bangle. I place one ring on the ground- it’s geometric in nature. And then I dig a small hole to the left and place the silver bangle inside. It’s a wide cuff, and the ends are very curved. Something is stamped on it, but I can’t tell what. I place another ring inside of the cuff, one that has a wide flat band, with two rope like bands above and below it. I cover them both with the dirt and turn to leave.

I don’t get any of this.

Infection

For the first few days we are both dead to the world. I see his mound that is covered in blankets. I watch A move around the house, making medications, playing with the girls, reading. He seems used to being by himself, and being the only adult that is awake in the room doesn’t seem to even phase him. He passes the time idly and waits for us to get our shit together.

During this time, whenever I try to connect, I am promptly taught a lesson. My body convulses from the pain. My mind is all over the place. I reach out to him only to pass out. I have no clue if this is what he has been dealing with the whole time, but if it is, props to him for being able to function. It’s more than I can currently muster.

Any length of connection usually results in me being dragged somewhere else. I find myself laying on the ground, being slammed against things. It never fails. I can’t tell who the perpetrator is, but they want to look like DD. However, the energy signature is not correct, so I don’t trust the visual.

Days go by like this. There are times when I am more lucid than others. Times when I can muster a few minutes of discussion before the pain kicks in too much. My core rails against the separation. Against whatever is running through my veins.

He sits and watches. That is all there is to be done.

At one point I find myself wrapped around a piece of you. My feathers are jutting out of my arms. There is taint in the air. It is protecting us. Protecting you until I can retrieve you properly. E steps in and helps to locate the piece on my person. He and A rip it out of me, and I have no clue what they do with it. I pass out from the situation, and E disappears without a trace. He and I are so far apart right now. It’s wearing on both of us, but it is the necessity of the situation.

You can’t have all of your eggs in one basket.

A few days later I find myself floating in the darkness, and you are there. The eyes are green, so you are not mine, but his. You seem healthy for once, and there is something about your person that I can’t place. You are similar, but foreign. You are him, but not.

There is something about you.

We float in that gravity defying fabric that you are known for. You are across from me and you pull something out of your robes when I am rocketed somewhere else. Someone else has beef with me and wants to step in and throw me around.

However, this time I am able to get the upper hand. I punch the floor with sensors, and I eventually get a ping back from someone. They step in and help me destroy this person, and destroy the location I am in.

Have  I finally beat the infection? I don’t know. I still can’t tell if these interactions are happening inside of me, or somewher else. Part of me believes that I am running around searching for pieces, and getting caught. And part of me things this is a manifestation of illness inside of me.

Part of me thinks its both and neither. I still can’t tell.

I flash into the room, falling into myself with a sudden jolt. A checks on me, and a small dagger falls into my hand. It is the same dark metal that he is known for. He tells me to hide it for now.

And then I am back hovering across from you. You pull out some sort of non-physical flower. The style you’re known for. You hold it out to me, and I tell you I can’t take it. Not now. You’re not you, and things are not right. I have no clue what it is, whether a piece of himself, or the random child I”ve heard him muse over.

But this is not the right time.

But before I realize what is going on, your lips are on mine and your hands are pressed against my stomach and I couldn’t fetch that thing out of me if I tried.

I still have no clue what it is, and you’re nowhere to be found. ofc. I can only hope that it’s not something that I will regret later. Spirits never listen. They always do what they want.

___

Last night is the first night that I feel good enough that I can sit up and move around a little bit. I’m noticing that with each day, he is becoming more and more mobile. I watch A feed him cups of tea. I see them sitting and talking from time to time. And I spy him meditating off and on.

He is not how he was last time. He is calmer. He is more respectful, and his defenses are more or less gone. I can’t tell if it’s the BM that is showing through, or if they have finally merged, or if something else happened. But I can tell a difference.

Last night I opt to go out to the lake. I wanted to see what the water would do. Ideally, I’d like to do a healing session on myself, but not in the river. I want something removed from myself.

I convince A to let me try it. And he eventually complies. We all file out to the lake, and they stand on the sidelines. I wade into the water, and I am reminded of the lake that Chi fell into. There is a rush of emotions and blurred images that wash over me. I push them aside and move into the water.

Unlike the river, which has a steep dropoff, the lake is very slow to get deep. I probably have to go 50 or so feet out into the water to be up to my chest. I eventually dunk under the water, and I instantly feel resistance, like the water wants to push me up, or that I can only float.

I am pushed against the surface of the water, and it feels as though I am being pushed against glass. Truthfully, the entire surface of the lake reminds me of glass. I rest against this glass, and eventually push against it down into the water. This water is deep royal blue, like pure lapis.

I see this woven thread in the water. It reminds me of a lead rope, and I grab it. It wraps around my left hand, and I follow it down into the water. There is a spirit here. Something that looks like a male, or a bit like DD, tbh. Its coloration is as deep of a blue as the water.

When I get far enough down, it stops and faces me. It gets close to my face, and there are mixed feelings and impressions I am given, but nothing concrete. However, before I can get much further, I am pulled back to the surface by A.

He takes me back inside where I rest. While there, I am overrun with strong pangs from him, and I’m confused by him. Out of everyone in my household, he is not one to usually house desires for sex or anything of that nature. He tells me to meet him at his place later.

___

And so I do.

I’m probably only awake for the first few minutes before I pass out. There are weird overlays on this, and for a bit, I’m pretty sure I’m in illusion or a mind construct instead of the real deal. We’ve spent a fair amount of time in here recently. This place leaves me a bit calmer, and my body has more control. So I think he’s left me here to help ease some of the pain and separation I’m dealing with out there.

At one point, I do remember a necklace falling into my hands. A small tablet of lapis, with two metal brackets at hte top and bottom. They are both made of the dark metal. I have a feeling I know what this symbolizes, but I am not positive.

All I know is. When I wake up this morning and check in, all I can see is him and I getting it on. I watch my fingers drive into his collar line. I can’t tell what is going on, but it makes me feel like he’s finally submitted to whatever. It almost makes me feel like its a rite of passage, though I can’t really explain why or how.

And I still can’t get an answer from him as to wtf is up.

Because who wants to explain why things are happening.

All I can really say is- if its my brain making stuff up, I don’t get why I would. If its an illusion, its one potent illusion. And if its legit, holy hell what were we doing.

Why does no one ever explain anything.

stuff

THe past two nights have gone back to being a blur. I walk around a bunch of places. I watch things. I take notes. I talk with people. I meander and look and travel. But I don’t remember anything solidly enough to document what it is I’m doing.

On Monday night I remember being inside a lot. IT reminds me of a hotel in some regards, but not entirely. At the very end, I walked into a room that ended up being far larger than I expected. It was big and open, and dimly lit. It reminded me of a warehouse in some ways, but it was not so industrial looking. There was a lot of stuff sitting around in various corners, and a number of people were sitting around, as if we were waiting to have a large meeting. I remember sitting down on the arm of a chair, and I Had baggy pants on. I remember that because when I sat down, the way the arm of hte chair hit these pants made me look like I had a hard on. And I guess this bugged me, because I shifted how I was sitting so that I wouldn’t look that way anymore.

I also remember distinctly thinking “So this is where I live. This is actually real”. Okay. I guess.

Last night started off in a flooded area. I was running around some location that looked like it had been hit really hard, and everyone’s stuff was soooo torn up. I remember finding refuge from the rain under some orange blanket thing. I remember thinking to myself that I could at least stay here for a few hours and rest, and I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone finding me. I’d be able to just sleep and not have to sleep with an eye open.

Okay.

And then it shifts into some other location. I can’t tell if i Was asleep, and this is after the rain stopped, or if I left that piece to sleep, and moved to another part that was up and running. This place was near a large city that had tall buildings and stuff. However, the city felt largely abandoned. It wasn’t overgrown or decaying, but it didn’t seem very populated, either. This is where things get hazy, and I Spend a lot of time running around, flying over this location looking at stuff, looking for stuff. But none of it is concrete enough for me to write down.

___

He settles into the body and anytime I try to touch him, he writhes in pain. No words to be spoken, the walls have too many ears. He realizes that there is no other option but to seek me out.

However, the walls have ears and legs as well. It only takes moments of stepping out into the open before they are hot on his trail. His arrival at my location renders us into a lockdown that lasts nearly two days. When the dust settles, I find that we’re in a small single room house with A. Any attempt to get up and work on him, however, results in me being told to go back to sleep.

We are both sedated, and we both lay until the timing is better. He sits and reads and stares off at random. I find myself wandering his interior at different intervals. Ever since he made up his mind I have been there in some capacity or another. I’m not entirely sure why.

I sit up in bed yesterday and try to talk with A. However, in the process of doing this, I find that I am elsewhere, and I am in my horned form. There is someone there, but I can’t tell entirely who it is. They chide me and I still don’t really know what they wanted. I find that I’m getting the shit beat out of me, but I don’t know what exactly they want. Or if I did know, I’ve forgotten it now.

Movement is challenging. Pushing against this person is way harder than it should be, and I question if something is wrong with me. If perhaps my illnesses are still not entirely gone or healed. A implies that there was a situation or occurrence during our lock down, but he doesn’t give me any specifics.

Eventually, I am able to shove a knife in his side and explode it to make him go away. Simultaneously, A works on my body out in the room, and he ends up joining me in this location at the very end. I get the idea that perhaps this is all tied to the man sleeping in the room. Or maybe tied to the marks on my shoulder, which is practically the same thing.

Its all too hazy right now. I feel like there is something here amidst all of this. BUt I lack the words or capacity to piece it all together.

I can only hope that I’ll be able to work on him soon, and I’ll be able to make some headway.

 

Poison

The scent that hangs around him fills my nostrils. I watch him poke around the corners of the room and make modifications, some of which I don’t understand. The color of the walls is off from our normal, too.

How long has it been since we did this? How much will you fight me this time?

___

Every time you think you’re going to get away, you’re wrong. That’s just the truth of it. I remember watching him lean over his desk and shout to the empty air. I watched as the frustration mounted, and he threw all of the contents of his desk onto the floor. Acts I haven’t seen since the hierarchy. I watch his face get flush and his breathing get heavier.

This is not what we wanted.

But that is how the Game works. You don’t get to pick whether you play or not. Your only option is to save as many pieces as you can before the Game is over.

This is not what we wanted.

___

I keep waking up in different places.

For one evening and a day, I spend most of my time with BM. We traipse through the desert looking for who knows what. Me and Hinman watch him shake down someone in a stony office.

Other times it’s in some creepy guy’s dungeon. I wake up to find my side gashed open. My hands cuffed above me. Another time it’s like when I was hanging around Fel. My hands strung out to my sides, and my knees barely hit the ground. I don’t know how many parts of me got sold off and handed out, but man have they been circulating.

It’s just like old times, though the methods have changed. Back in the day, I would have just set fire to everything and gone home. But now? We have other needs. I shove my barbs into the floor and sit and wait. The new protocol is less flashy, but it requires less work from me.

The problem is. How long will it take to collect all of these up? How the hell were they able to break things apart so quickly? Something seems off.

___

A month or so ago he left for a bit. And leaving would be his downfall. A piece sent out to draw your attention. A piece that was poisoned and shoved into you. Something else removed. There are so many things it could be. Time will only tell which it is.

The scent that hangs around you fills my nostrils.

How much will you fight me this time?

A mirror

Earlier this week I spent hours in a car. It was an older car that reminded me of something E would drive. We were on what seemed to be a sort of split interstate. In the middle of the two lanes was some type of dried up wash or river bed. Sometimes you’d see water in it, but for the most part, it was bone dry.

Hours. On this road. Hours driving to somewhere. This somewhere felt kinda familiar. It reminded me of Tucson in a way. A small burb south of a larger city.

We walk around and talk to people. I have a small crew with me. Maybe 4 or 6. There is a lot of concrete in this place. It feels like it used to be a bit more happening, but now its run down with burned out parts of town. We’re looking for something, and I spend a fair amount of time looking through rubble and other garbage piles.

There is some jumping around. Sometimes it’s poking through the rubble. There is another section where I am out on some mountains, with 3 other people and we’re scouting out something (and I remember seeing one place where I was like “me and E could hide over here and….”) and then the final portion was spent overlooking some wedding. This wedding reminded me of the Indian style. She had a long dress on with heavy beading. I’m not sure if we were there for protection or if something else was going on. I felt on edge, though.

___

There are brief moments when I can move. Moments when I am in a non-physical place, and I can break free and split off somewhere else and still be able to move. Gods forbid I check on broken me, though, because then all of the inability to move transfers to wherever I am consciously at. It’s frustrating.

One evening I pop into wherever S is at. We talk briefly and he seems really frustrated by things. He sends me to O partially out of wanting to hide and out of O needing to see me. O takes me somewhere deep into the ground, and I am sat down. It feels like he is painting on me before he brings me to a square pool. I am walked down into the water, and we fall into another place. I feel like we fall into the sky of another realm, and then fall again into some weird bubble cloud water place. I float in the … whatever and he works on me. He tells me he can fix what was broken. But he needs time.

___

Earlier this week I was laying inside with G, and I felt him having a problem sleeping. This felt like more than just a simple nightmare, though, and I had him open up to me so I could scan his innards. Within a few minutes of looking around, I felt something and grabbed it. Suddenly, me and this entity were on the floor in the room where G was watching me. I pinned this thing down and held a taint knife to it. G jumped up, shocked from the random persons coming from his chest.

Shortly after, people enter the room and I am being pulled off of this thing. I feel arms close around me, and a voice tell me to calm down. It catches up with me finally- my limitations, and I collapse in BM’s arms. So distance to my broken self does seem to be important.

I am placed back into my other self, and G falls asleep next to me.

___

After the damage was done to me, every time I imagined it, I saw markings. They reminded me of an old set that I had that looked like wings. Except, if I was to compare these to wings, they were locked shut. I couldn’t tell if this was a sign that markings had been placed on me. or if someone had locked up some of my bond markings or wtf was going on.

I kept an eye on them, however, just to see what would happen.

I look in one night to find myself laying on the ground, my arms spread out away from me. Restraints at the wrists. I feel as though I am on some sort of rotating wooden structure, with a huge tower above me. As though I am at the bottom of a stone silo. Everything is dark and the air is still. I lay there and find that I can’t move. My mind seeping into the location brings my inability to move with it.

I reach out to E. There is mention of having found a mirror. He asks if BM is there. He is. People are sent out.

Opposite me, back to back, I see him in the same predicament as I am. He feels as though he is in a non-physical layer in this place. Or that his location is, at least, less solid. I see our rings are out, and I suck them back in while I still can.

This angers whoever is keeping us here. Each of us has someone trying to pry things out of us. And this will continue for almost another day before our team arrives at the door. I wake up too late to see how everything went down. I only know that E pulls me up, and a few minutes later I am handed to BM while E handles something. BM holds onto me until we get to the safe house.

During this process I check in with my broken ass self and I feel like something is wrong. Or maybe someone else saw it. I honestly don’t remember. What I do remember is D popping out of me, and beginning to work on those broken pieces again. He pulls a large taint shard out of me, and begins to possibly rewire things.

I see those markings shift and move into what I can only imagine is a flower or sunrise. I feel as though something has been restored that was missing. It leaves me with more questions than answers, though.

I don’t think I’m awake by the time they finish with me, and I am left with BM for the rest of the evening.

Left

We always do this, you and I. It always comes back to this. Back to standing across from one another, staring into eachother.
Back to death. It always comes down to death.
An eternity of half-starts and near misses. An eternity of not quites and almost could have beens.
An eternity of mismatch for you and I.

He came to me while I was dancing and asked if we could talk. I took him to a room buried deep within, as to give us some amount of safety.

He wanted to talk, but was nervous to talk. He seemed very young at this stage in his life. I asked him about his culture, about us. He was nervous to share information about either. The tattoos, he said, were a coming of age type of thing. The markings indicate the family, possibly social status and other stuff. I was told we lived in the same village together and had grown up together.

I was told he was not old enough for his tats, apparently, when his memory leaves off.

He will not talk about us. It seems that neither of us ever got around to talking about anything in life. Or something. I watch him fidget around, and I get the urge to touch him, so I do. He shifts in form and becomes older. The tattoos spread out across him. I still can’t tell if that means that I pushed him forward in his memories, or if I gave him tattoos in the here and now. I remember him telling me that I can’t “just give him my markings”. I laugh in his face and remind him of all of the times that BM has oathed himself to me and that at this point it no longer matters.

He broods for a while. Then he falls asleep. Later in the evening both E and BM find me and keep an eye on us. I talk with them in btwn falling asleep. I remember saying that I didn’t want to force this piece to heal the holes in DD’s tapestry if he wasn’t ready for it. BM didn’t want to hear it. He continues to sleep.

Amidst this, I remember running around through oceans and star fields and blackness. And arriving at some sort of small niche in the side of a mountain and pulling out some feather and shiny orb thing. I return them to BM who breaks the orb, and alights the feather with it before shoving it in his clothing.

I wake up in the middle of the night to him telling me that he understands and that it’s okay. I reach my hand into his chest and feel some sort of jewel type thing. I pull it out of him, and he inverts into this large swirling …. star field jewel field thing? above us. And then the pieces break off and go into different places and people.

Always like this. Always.

When you heal, it’s not about you. It’s about what the person needs and wants. It doesn’t matter that I missed out the chance to figure out who he was. To get a name from him. To write down his information. Anything. He was ready and so he went on his way.

My feelings don’t figure into the equation.

At the very least, at least he arrived at some amount of peace before he left.